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I attended church for years in multiple places. I asked many questions which were never answered. Indeed, it seemed that no one that I knew had ever asked themselves the questions that plagued me.

One day I was in Sunday School in a Methodist church which I had been attending for several months. The teacher was an optometrist in the area. The class members were all college graduates. So, it was a well educated group. The discussion on that Sunday was about God being in control of everything. I brought up the fact that it bothered me that there are millions of people in Africa, Asia, South America, and elsewhere in the world who are dying or barely surviving because of hunger and disease.

The teacher said in a concerned manner that it seemed like I was saying that God is unfair. (How could I do such a thing?) I told him that I was bringing up this problem in the hopes that there is a sensible reason that such an enormous amount of hunger and poverty exists even though God is in control. He asked me what my basis was for thinking these conditions actually existed. This question was as shocking to me as if he had asked me what made me think that cancer existed. After a pause I said, “From multiple sources: magazines, newspapers, televisions, even through church mission drives.”

Then, this worthy man of God turned to the other members of the class and said, “Have any of you folks seen proof that such conditions exist?” There was another long pause. Finally after what seemed like an hour, a lady said, “Yes, there are such conditions. I am a nurse and I have seen a lot of evidence of these conditions in my studies and my work.” No one else said anything. The class ended then without further comment and everybody left. I never heard anything more about it, neither from the teacher nor from the members of the class.

Even a massive disaster does not seem to tickle the brain cells of many Christians. When horrible tragedies happen which make rational people at least question whether there is a personal God protecting us, many true believers respond with neither pity nor doubt. I think some people simply don’t want to discuss the topic, either because of shyness or insecurity. Many, however, see no inconsistency between the tragic loss of thousands of innocent lives and their belief that God is in complete control.

When the AIDS epidemic was at its peak, one of the members of the same Sunday School class remarked to me that AIDS was God’s punishment for the victims’ sins. The horrible pain that victims of AIDS suffer aroused no sympathy in him. Neither did the fact there were many babies who were victims of this dreadful disease.

On another Sunday a woman announced in class that she could not understand why people felt so sorry for the Jews. She said, “After all, they killed Christ.” Except for me, no one responded to her idiotic comment.

This extreme callousness, if we think about it, is exactly what one would expect of true believers in a religion in which the culmination of all of history is Armaggeden, which will, in the minds of the faithful, result in the brutal murder of everyone on earth, except for the relatively few “chosen.” Afterword, those murdered, though dead, will be thrown into the pit of fire to suffer forever. Far from being saddened by their belief in such a bleak future for mankind, this stellar event in their eyes is looked forward to with joyous anticipation.

This brings to mind the title of the old Fifth Dimension song, “Sweet Blindness.” Many Christians will use any number of rationalizations to justify their false sense of security. Believers either deny the existence of unfairness in this world or rationalize it in a variety of different ways. “It is the wages of sin.” “It’s God’s will.” “God will make all things right in the end.” “She will be a better person because of it.” The believer can then go blithely on with his or her life undisturbed by the most horrific events. The faithful are also relieved, at least in their minds, from any responsibility to do anything to prevent otherwise preventable mass suffering. The belief that God is in control of all things at all times and that those who are chosen will enjoy eternal bliss in heaven compels the faithful to focus on the hereafter rather than on real life suffering that is occurring today and urgently needs attention.

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A few years ago a close friend (whom I’ll call Tom) convinced me, against my better judgment, to visit the Sunday school class that he and his wife were attending. It was in a fundamentalist Baptist church. He was so pleased with his experience there that my wife and I finally gave in. We attended for several years, primarily because of our friendship with Tom. Tom and his wife did many things to get us deeply involved in the church. As time went by I noticed that I was the only one in the class that raised questions about their religion’s basic assumptions, like the infallibility of the Bible, for instance. I’ve noticed that this lack of questioning is typical, at least in the churches I’ve attended.

After a while, I suspected that Tom was becoming increasingly displeased with my slow Christian growth, as he saw it. This was undoubtedly confirmed when he invited me for lunch one day and used that occasion as a springboard to pressure me to “wake up and smell the coffee.” He said, “Don’t you know you’re going to die?” Well, excuse me, but the reality of death was made very real to me when both my mother and my father died. Moreover, Tom and I had by that time had many discussions about my doubts about Christianity, including the very foundation of the religion. Apparently, those discussions had merely caused Tom to view me as a problem for him to set straight. He didn’t take my doubts seriously and never answered any of my questions.

Later I joined a weekly men’s “share group” that sprang from the Sunday school class. One of the regulars was a young man I’ll call Earl. It was common knowledge that Earl had emotional and maturity problems. Earl had had a very difficult childhood. On one occasion, when no one but Earl and I attended the group meeting, he told me all about his troubled history. His father had been a terror and had even tried to kill him. Earl had never experienced parental love or, I suspected, any other kind of love. He had never been a success at anything. No wonder; he was depressed. I suggested that he seek psychiatric treatment and explained to him that, with the right medication and counseling, he could experience substantial improvement. But it was not to be.

When it was time for Earl to become the leader of the men’s group (the leadership rotated among the members), he was excited about it. Even though he didn’t have a steady job, he insisted on taking each of the regular group members to dinner at his expense. He wanted to go over his ideas for the group. I thought that this leadership position might work out well for him and give him some much-needed self confidence. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

At a meeting a couple of months after Earl had been selected as leader, he used a disgusting word out loud in a meeting. He said “shit.” A man whom I’ll call Pope Innocent was there that night and didn’t mince words in telling Earl that he did not appreciate his language, particularly when spoken on holy grounds. I thought, “Well, shit!” (A few months later Pope Innocent left his wife of 20 years and ran off with a sweet young thing whom he had met doing the Lord’s work. No kidding.)

Earl was removed as leader of the men’s group because “his behavior was not appropriate for a Christian leader.” I told my friend Tom that I thought the decision was a bad mistake, but my opinion made no difference.

As you may have guessed, Earl committed suicide, a few months after he was ditched as leader of the men’s group. The first Sunday after his death, the leader of the Sunday school class, who a few years previously had been a part of Tom’s class, stood before the two classes joined for the purpose of honoring Earl.  Earl’s widow was also present. The class leader said something like the following:

“Today is a time to honor and remember Earl. His wife is here with us. It is not the time to ask why this happened. We can discuss that at a later date. Now is that time for love and compassion.”

The thinking as I saw it was, “We never can be too careful to protect Earl’s poor widow from that infidel (me), who might say just about anything. What if he were to ask how this could happen, in view of the fact that the Bible says that God will never make us Christians bear more than we can handle?”

Tom was clearly behind this announcement, which I felt was directed at me. I was the only person who from time to time raised any questions about the “right” beliefs that a Christian should have.

This is just one example of how blind true believers can be. I think Tom really believed that since I (his catch) wouldn’t be the star true believer that he had envisioned, and that I had clearly demonstrated how insensitive I could be by asking all those diabolical questions, I couldn’t possibly be concerned about the feelings of Earl’s grieving widow. He thought I was unable to discern things that he, as a Christian, knew.

Needless to say, the question of how the suicide of a true Christian could be reconciled with the belief that God will never make a Christian bear more than he or she can handle (which must be true) was never discussed in any later class. Nor, to my memory, was Earl.

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